A Man's Perfect Wedding
If Men Were in Charge of Weddings
There would be a "Rehearsal Kegger" rather than a
Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter
They would have NO tan lines.
Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that
"forsaking all others" part.
The couple would leave the ceremony in a soaped
up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame
designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!
Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were
really old) would get punched in the head.
Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best
There would be "Tailgate Receptions."
Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.
Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the
cost of the bachelor party. Those strippers and liquor sure do
Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The
burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab
extras from their local pub or tavern.
Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink
passes at the local lounge.
The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be
form-fitted to her butt.
Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog
roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of bar-b-que.
No one would bother with that "Veil Routine." But they
would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it
The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral or
Invitations would read as follows:
Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the oil'
ball and chain... He's getting married. He either: A) knocked
her up, B) couldn't get a different roommate, or C) caved in to
her ultimatum. Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for
him For the rest of his life at Texas Stadium On the 50 Yard
Line At Half-time during Sunday's Game. Please join us at The
Clubhouse after the game For Beer, Nachos and Pizza. Oh yeah...